Dating with a stoma bag

Dating with a stoma bag

Dating with a stoma is arguably one of the more anxiety inducing aspects of post surgery. Even if you are in a serious relationship before and after your surgery, it can change things and it can take time to adapt and gain confidence in yourself again as your body changes. Whatever stage in your romantic life you are, there are ways to approach things, and research to be done to help the transition into stoma life.

Be open and honest

If you are in a relationship already, having frank and honest conversations about what to expect and how you feel is essential. It is hoped that you have a partner that is on the journey with you and fully supportive. I understand more than most what it is like to not have this in a previous relationship. If this does happen to you, it can certainly show you someone for who they really are and change things. But please believe me when I say you deserve all the love and acceptance in the world, whether you have a stoma or not. You are going through major surgery, a life changing thing, and the person you are with should be supportive and stand by you. If they can not, they are not meant for you. You deserve all that as a minimum.

When I started dating my partner, one of the first things I shared was my stoma story. It’s not exactly the easiest conversation to have. I shared with him my awareness Instagram profile, and remember feeling sick waiting for his reaction to it! But my thought process was that it is better to be open and honest from the start, so that it doesn’t become an issue or anxiety inducing for myself by hiding it. Thankfully this time I chose a very good egg, and he has been a dream about it all, and never made me feel anything other than normal. Despite my experience, it doesn’t mean you need to share anything you are not comfortable to do so, until you are ready to. There is no right or wrong way to navigate all this. What approach works for one person won’t for the next. Stay true to yourself, your boundaries, and take your time. If it is meant to be it will be.

Dress for you

Going on a date you want to look your best, and wear something that makes you feel a 10, which can be restrictive for some if you have a stoma bag, and in some cases multiple stoma bags. A snug fitting dress may not be for you, if you don’t feel comfortable with your bag showing through your clothes. Finding jeans or trousers to sit in the right place on your stomach, but also fit correctly at your bottom and legs can be a challenge. High waisted tights/leggings, layering, smock dresses and accessories can work well to help your bag not be on show. For some, seeing your bag through clothes is not a concern, but for others it is something that fills you with dread. Many ostomates share their outfits daily on the gram, if you search for hashtags such as ‘#ostomyfashion’. Lottie Duran who curates My Bloated Wardrobe has been a godsend to follow for me. Having IBS, Lottie shares hints and tips and lots of looks to copy. She is a ray of sunshine and a joy to have popped up on my feed. The only problem is you will want to buy everything she shares!

Being intimate

Being intimate with a stoma for the first time can be frightening, let’s not sugar coat it. It takes an incredibly confident person to crack on like nothing has changed! With the development of ostomy products in the last ten years, the most exciting for me has been the choice of different colours. For me the Pelican ModaVi is my bag of choice, and having the black option is key. It makes me feel confident, and is a vast contrast to the medical beige and greys that we know all too well. The outlets for draining and cleaning have become much simpler, allowing you to rest assured nothing is going to leak. Obviously, we all have leaks now and again which is more commonly due to human error or diet, rather than the bag itself. Ensure your bag is the right one for your skin, and if it doesn’t feel right or you are getting leaks regularly, contact your stoma nurse and sample different ones. Everyone has the right to have an appliance that works for them to feel secure.
To avoid my bag filling up at an inconvenient time, I always empty it when I use the bathroom to pee to avoid double the trips. I know alot of us do this, but some of you daredevils live life on the edge and wait for it to fill up! Do what works for your lifestyle, but by emptying little and often it can avoid the bag blowing up at the most inconvenient time!

Research the experience of others

Finally, have a look on social media where many ostomates share their dating stories, and on ostomy company websites where they publish blogs for ostomates. Pelican have many of us who have had different experiences and share them on their website. Lots of tips can be gained, and when reading through, I know for myself I take comfort in knowing my worries and anxieties are similar to others.